Confession

I have a confession to make. Yes, I did forget to blog the last two days, but that's actually not my confession. My confession is about my writing class and an incorrect response I gave to my professor's question (the people who will probably actually read this will know exactly what I'm talking about as you were also in class). During class, my piece of writing from a previous assignment was used to demonstrate a specific line of questioning for enhancing children's writing. My piece was on judgment based on clothing. The question she asked was whether I had ever been judged based on my clothes. My initial response was "not that I know of, but I dress fairly modestly because I don't want to be judged." I did not actually mean for my response to be inaccurate, but if I'm being honest there are only two separate things that are honest about this response: I don't want to be judged and I do dress modestly. I know I have been judged based on my clothing before. My own mother has told me what others (and I think probably herself) think about what I wear. Those of you reading this have also probably seen me and what I wear before. I usually dress in a pair of jeans, tennis shoes, a t-shirt, and a jacket (or sweatshirt) with my hair in a pony tail. Those comments that I have heard from others are: I am tomboyish, I dress like a guy, I don't like girly things, I don't care about myself, I am a slob,etc, etc,. I think that subconsciously the essay I wrote was getting down to how unfairly I have been judged based on what people don't know about me. It would probably astonish people to know why I dress the way I do. I am extremely insecure about myself. I don't think I'm pretty. I don't think I'm worth the money to buy nice clothes. I don't think I can look good anyway. I don't think I have the capability of making myself look nice either. And while I'm being honest I should tell you that I don't necessarily want to be any of those things either. I am comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt because they make me feel secure in who I am. I'm not showing off my boobs (with different shirts) because my boobs aren't me. I'm not making myself taller (with heels) because being short is a part of me. I'm not spending money on designer jeans with holes because I believe in making your own holes through hard work. And I wear all these clothes because I'm not setting myself up to be stared at by unwanted eyes, attention and roaming hands. This, of course, leads to why I am so insecure and why I get so angry with unfair judgments. I have been abused and no one understands what that does to you. No one has the right to judge me when they don't know me or my past. No one has the right to judge anyone they don't know or know about. No one has the right to judge. Period.